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Joey
Dr. Joseph “Joey” Gongokovich, Sr. (born 41 AC), commonly known only as Joey, is an Epic politician, priest, and soldier currently serving as the 1st President of the GGS Republic. Prior to the Presidency, Joey was the co-founder and co-leader of the Go Go Squeez Gang, a position he served along with David W. Negersire and Lucas Cruikshank-Kwanmuang, who eventually became Vice President and Speaker of the House respectively; he still maintains this position today. Born in the Rakesh Jawaharlal Ramachandran Centre in the former Neo-Pakistani Republic, Joey grew up in the slums of nearby Afghanistan without his parents; regardless, he learned how to walk at the age of 6 days and could speak fluent Urdu and English at 8 days old. Joey graduated from Brown University with a degree in gender-based physics when he was 8, and graduated from Case Western University with a doctorate in gungology. In 80 AC (2017 AD), Joey was named Head Priest of the Danish Legoist Church. Joey has been named one of the most epic and powerful leaders of the century by Time Magazine, Fox News, The New York Times, Forbes, and Zagat, and currently boasts a 100% epicness rating. He is a demigod, specifically classified as a transcendent human, H25 Holy Danish Priest-type. Biography Joey was born''' Joseph “Joey” Gongokovich in Sector 59Y of the Rakesh Jawaharlal Ramachandran Centre in the former Neo-Pakistani Republic to the Lego Man and Avril Lavigne, who immediately left him to fend for himself and grow up alone. Minutes after being born, Joey crawled over 500 miles to nearby Afghanistan, where he learned how to walk after three days of being alive by standing on his own goddamn feet and alternating his legs to produce movement. Five days later, he learned how to speak Urdu and English by inventing both languages. When he turned 10, he moved to Mongolia, where he became a monk under the Fruity Pebble order. However, after the Great Pebble War, he eventually fell into a depression and lost all motivation to do anything, ultimately decreasing his IQ from 553 to a mere 25. Joey spent 30 years in this phase, until he had the Epiphany, given to him by Young Thug, in which his brain enlarged and his IQ spiked to 680, a new high. The Epiphany opened his eyes to the realities of the universe, and moved him to produce the first batch of Go Go Squeez. He then formed the Go Go Squeez Gang, which repaired the damage caused by the Great Pebble War and took over all of Eurasia. The territories owned by the Go Go Squeez Gang later merged into the GGS Republic. As President of the GGS Republic, Joey has publicized the Go Go Squeez product extensively, causing the sales numbers for Go Go Squeez to skyrocket. Quadrillions of packets have been sold and distributed around the multiverse since his self-appointment, boosting the GGS Republic's economy to first overall. Abilities Joey has many abilities and powers, given to him by the Lord Himself, the Lego Man. These include, but are not limited to: * '''Ass kicking - An ancient martial art from the Roman era, in which the leg is used to strike at an opponent's posterior. This leaves the opponent severely disabled. * Ass Kicking 3000 '- An enhanced form of ass kicking, developed by Bruce Lee in 1971. More power is exerted in performing the strike, ultimately increasing its speed and effectiveness. Opponents of those well versed in this art are usually killed on impact. * '''Pissing '- The action of urination, usually in a target's eyes. This leaves the opponent blinded permanently. * 'Laser Piss '- The action of urination, but an extremely powerful yellow laser substitutes the urine. Anybody hit by the laser is immediately disintegrated. * '"Boi" '- One's hand is raised at an angle, as if they were to salute vertically, and is forcefully thrust downward in a chop motion; this is normally used to direct an insult at a target. This is a particularly dangerous art form, as one boi has enough power to wipe out an entire city. * 'Gunspace '- The ability to summon a pistol out of thin air. * 'Faggotry '- The ability to become so unbearably gay that anybody within a small radius of the user is repulsed and leaves. This is usually achieved with the use of Love Live! merchandise and the trap argument. * 'Wicked Dick Punch '- A forceful punch directed at the opponent's dick. This leaves the opponent infertile. * '''Wicked Dick Kick -''' 'A forceful kick directed at the opponent's dick. A sister move of the WDP. * '''Ricin '- The ability to summon large amounts of ricin. If used correctly, this will kill the opponent. * 'Anthrax mercenaries '- The ability to summon a group of mercenaries that kill opponents by injecting them with lethal amounts of anthrax. Personal life Joey has been diagnosed with many diseases and disabilities. Some of these include spontaneous retardation, emotional instability, asbestos poisoning, mad cow disease, polio, smallpox, jaundice, swine flu, avian flu, tinnitus, schizophrenia, and gland malformation. Joey is the older brother of acclaimed trash rapper Yung Dumbass.